The Life Of Hermione Granger Without A Boyfriend
by Kat Turner
Summary: Hermione Granger is a sane and sensible witch. That is, when she's not terrorizing her House Mates or throwing various objects at Ron Weasley. Hogwarts students are engulfed in a sea of hormones, and Hermione finds herself beating the boys away with her
1. Boys and Rocks Brilliant Combination

The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

Hermione Granger was a fifteen-year-old witch. Despite the fact that she was Muggle-born, she attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was the only child of her dentist parents, and this did not bother her, as she actually enjoyed being an only child (thank you very much Ron Weasley – Prince of Rabbits).

Ron Weasley was her best friend, and he was currently composing love notes to his girlfriend, Susan Bones. (Whether or not they actually met in real life seemed indeterminable) Her other best friend, who could cleverly be located via the Marauder's Map, was in the Astronomy Tower with one Cho Chang. They were just studying. Anatomy. A subject that wasn't even in the Hogwarts curriculum (_Hermione had checked_).

Hermione did not have a boyfriend and, frankly, didn't want one. She was perfectly happy with her books though she had been told many times that it was unhealthy. Some people had sick, sick minds (once again, thank you, Mr. Ron Weasley – like his relationship with Susan Bones was any healthier).

She could get a boyfriend, had she at any time felt inclined. Rumour had it that Neville Longbottom fancied her, a bit. After all, it wasn't as if she were unattractive. She quite liked the way her curls bounced, and she wasn't chubby or anything like that. She ate well (not to look good, she just liked to keep healthy) and had a nice smile, because her parents were dentists. Well, some thanks could be credited to Draco Malfoy's bad aim.

Besides, what was so great about relationships? Lavender and Dean had a GREAT relationship, when they weren't screaming at each other across the common room or throwing books (which was deemed by Hermione as sacrilegious. Books were holy things, and they are not meant as ammo!) then they were snogging all over the place. They were doing it right now, actually, and had been for the past twenty minutes. _They are all so silly_, Hermione thought to herself.

Indeed, if only they knew how ridiculous they looked to Hermione. She, on the other hand, was wisely studying whilst wearing her pink, fluffy monster slippers. Exams, after all, were only a year away. Where had the time gone? It was all so unhygienic! All of this snogging, and exchanging of bodily fluids and such. Honestly, Lavender and Dean were making out on the table in a fit of ecstasy. To clarify, they were making out on Hermione's table! They had just pushed her books off (Books! Her books! Her babies!). This was all too much for Hermione! She had been having a special bonding moment with her books.

"Dean," Hermione prodded. No response, only a strange moaning sound. "Dean, Lavender," Hermione tried softly so as not to cause too much commotion. She didn't, after all, want to embarrass them anymore than they were embarrassing themselves.. "Dean and Lavender!" Hermione hissed. Finally, when this got no result, her temper got the better of her. There needed to be institutions filled with people who had done really bad things. Unspeakable things! For their punishment, they should be made to study whilst trying to ignore Dean and Lavender sucking their faces off! "Dean Thomas and Lavender Brown will you desist your horrendous display of affection long enough to conveniently locate a more PRIVATE area?"

At the confused glances that were being exchanged by Dean and Lavender, Hermione felt the need to clarify. After all, all that movement of their lips must have taken the last shreds of their intelligence away.

"In layman's terms, GET A ROOM!" Hermione raged, because Hermione was a creature of tact at all times.

"I think she's swapped bodies with Professor McGonagall," Lavender said, flashing Hermione a dirty look.

"I don't think anyone would be able to tell if she swapped bodies with McGonagall," Dean replied dazedly.

"I WAS TRYING TO STUDY!" she exploded. There were unattractive splotches of red on her cheeks.

All eyes in the common room were on Hermione Granger, who was currently foaming at the mouth.

"Sorry, Hermione," Lavender and Dean whispered before scuttling away. They rather looked like crabs. Big red, stupid crabs who should be boiled alive… At least that was what Hermione thought.

_Ok, Hermione, what to do now_? she thought. Everyone was still looking at her as if she had morphed into the Dark Lord, though he might have been less intimidating. In this situation, she decided to do execute the exact ploy a politician would engage. She gave them all a bright smile, picked up her books, and blushed while trying to continue her studying. She didn't notice the title was _Hogwarts: Things You Only Want to Know if You're Hermione Granger_.

Fred and George Weasley, Ron's twin older brothers, looked on nervously as she opened it. They had bewitched the book as a practical joke. Hermione flung the book on the table when she realized it was a pornographic magazine that a Muggle-born classmate had gotten from home. Fred and George commenced their victory dance. It looked something like a mix of to chickens dancing whilst their legs experienced a Jelly Leg-Locker curse.

At that moment, Harry Potter entered the dorm. The Famous Harry Potter (according to Ron, "The Famous Harry Potter" was actually embroidered on Harry's boxer shorts. How Ron knew this fact, she didn't want to know) He was Teen Witch Weekly's Hottest Hottie of the year. He was rich, handsome and famous. Unfortunately, most people didn't realize he was also sweet, bashful, and kind. He had only recently started dating Cho Chang, whom he had had a crush on for the last few years. No, crush wasn't the way to put it perhaps 'neurotic fixation?' Well, whatever it was, Hermione had never seen him smile so broadly. Not that she cared; he was only her friend...

Ron looked up from his letter. "Hey, Harry! You just missed quite a show!"

"Why? What happened?" Harry asked.

Ron grinned from ear to ear. "Hermione, what did you just tell Lavender and Dean to do?"

"Nothing Harry, I don't know what Ron is talking about," Hermione replied.

"Yes, you do! You just told Lavender and Dean to desist their horr-" Ron was briefly cut off. It was due to a very unfortunate accident in which a book found itself coming into contact with his head, very hard contact, in fact. It was quite regrettable, really. The bruising lasted two whole weeks. _Poor thing!_ Hermione thought to herself while she consoled the injured book. Honestly, why does Ron have such a hard head?

Deciding that to remain meant abject humiliation when Hermione was merely exercising her right to mental sanity – she excused herself and left. Not quite as gracefully as she would have liked. She tripped on the portrait whole… once… but nobody really noticed.

Honestly, she was the only sane person in Gryffindor! Other people let their raging hormones get the better of them. Not Hermione! She tromped through the castle and into the grounds. It was late at night, when she was supposed to be in the common room studying like any other NORMAL person. The Dark Lord was at the height of his power and nowhere was safe. But yet, she was the only one with sense! So, as she tromped (very femininely) through the castle and into the grounds.

She looked wistfully into the sky and let out a dramatic sigh. She just wished that everybody wouldn't expect her to have a boyfriend.

"Well, Miss Prefect out on the grounds late at night. I hope to Merlin you're not meeting a boy! That is a most unfortunate thought!" Draco Malfoy exclaimed.

_Bugger!_ Hermione thought to herself. At no point was she thinking of Leather Pants! Ok, maybe just for a second. However, she didn't know why she would ever associate Draco Malfoy with Leather pants...In truth he'd be better suited to wearing whipped cream and not much else. "Malfoy, I've been meaning to ask you for The Dark Lords OWL address. I wish to submit a complaint on his mistreatment of Muggles, my friend Harry and fashion in general. He does know that those tent-like cloaks do NOTHING for his figure, right?"

Draco Malfoy had followed Hermione out of the door. He looked his usual self in the cold night air. Secretly, Hermione had thought him mildly attractive in an Evil Overlord sort of way, had he not had the personality of a bad tempered lawnmower. The best thing was that he was alone. He was vulnerable when alone (Hermione would have tried for an evil laugh, but she could never really pull them off).

Malfoy flushed red for a moment before returning to his usual paleness, upon noticing her fluffy, pink, monster slippers. His sneer seemed to spread and engulf his whole ferret like face. "I see you are at the height of fashion yourself. Perhaps you can tell me how many points should be deducted from Gryffindor for being caught out after curfew?"

_Ugh_, Hermione thought. _Is it possible for a Prefect to take points from another Prefect?_ She hoped not. What had the school been thinking when they gave him power over other students? And what the hell is everyone's problem with her monster slippers? They're cute!

Hermione gave her most superior smile. "For your information, hot pink has made a real come back. And if you must know, I'm on my way to meet Hagrid. I will be helping him set up for tomorrow's lesson. But I DO wonder what you're doing out here, late at night, Malfoy?"

Hermione was of course lying, yet she's still the most sensible student in school! For some odd reason, the rest of the world just refused to agree with her.

"I'm doing detention for Hagrid. Why don't I escort you his... house," Malfoy snarled.

Hermione was at a loss for words. She had not expected him to call her bluff. She had also not expected that he would be going to Hagrid's. She tried to think of the Rule of Bluff – when the Bluffee raises the bluff of the Bluffer, then the Bluffer should raise the Bluff again... or something like that. "I have to...do... something first," she stammered. _Great_, she thought to herself, lamest excuse ever.

Malfoy looked sceptical, "I won't hear of it, please, allow me to escort you to Hagrid's... house. I would hate for you to lose your way!"

He did not offer her his arm, as is traditional (_Bastard!_), he wouldn't want to touch a Mudblood after all. But he had a confidant smirk on his pointy face, as if he knew he had her where he wanted her. Hermione stalked passed him and headed for Hagrid's. She could hear him hurry to keep up with her. She reached the hut before he had time to make anymore rude comments. She knocked on Hagrid's door.

Hagrid was half giant, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts and the Care of Magical Creature's teacher. He was as gentle as can be, despite his intimidating height and appearance. He was a good friend of Hermione's and she liked him. (Even though he never gave a written exam!)

"Hermione!" Hagrid said delightedly. "Malfoy," he added with a low growl.

"Hello Hagrid! Malfoy met me while I was on my way to help. You. For. Tomorrow's. Lesson. He thought it would be appropriate to escort me to your house," Hermione said pointedly.

Hagrid looked as if he got the drift, "Oh, o' course, Hermione _Wink Wink_. And you, Mr. Malfoy, 're here to serve yer detention?"

"Yes, sir," Malfoy drawled.

"Very well then, enter tha both of yer," Hagrid replied.

Hermione spent the next four hours polishing halters for tomorrow's frighteningly dangerous creature. She may never have forgiven Malfoy for that. So she decided to punish him. Woe to he who gives Hermione Granger a bad disposition.

"You seem to serve detention for Hagrid a lot. Tell me, are you attracted to him or something? You don't goad any other teacher into giving you detention as much!" Hermione shot at her arch-nemesis, the axis of evil, the devastating blond, the Keeper of Leather Pants, Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy looked repulsed beyond description. "Me? And that big oaf?" Hagrid shot a look at Malfoy. "Er... our most distinguished teacher? How terribly inappropriate of you to mention that. _Cough_ Mudblood!"

Hermione giggled to herself, whoever said boys were no fun? Oh, that's right, she had... but she had been wrong! They were indeed very fun! And to think, Malfoy had to suffer several more hours of her sharp tongue and witty repartee...

Yet she could only think of a couple of people who deserved it more.

Hermione awoke the next morning, all that polishing had given her a sore arm. She went down to the common room to find Harry and Ron talking in stifled whispers. They were of course, talking about the next OA meeting. (Obsesses Anonymous – Harry was the President, Ron was Vice President) As she approached, they swiftly ended their conversation.

"Morning, Harry! Morning, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed grumpily. She rather gave the impression of a dragon that had just swallowed some bad tasting knight and wasn't very happy about it.

"Morning, Hermione..." the boys replied hesitantly.

Hermione looked a Ron, who did that thing where you cover your head and prepare to have your kidney's kicked out of place.

"I'm not going to attack you again!"

Ron was visibly relieved. He had obviously been bandaged after the book incident the previous night, only it made him look like a deranged mummy.

"Where did you disappear to last night?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I just went for a walk! Nothing to tell, really," Hermione replied with a sadistic smile. "Anybody have chocolate? I have a 'stomach ache'."

Last summer, Hermione had eaten so much chocolate during a 'stomach ache' that Ron wrote the exact weight of the combined chocolate, and sent it to the other Gryffindors to warn them. Hermione had always been slightly off-edge (more than usual) during these times, yet the chocolate seemed to placate her. So now it was urban legend. Hermione got chocolate, and limbs remained intact.

Harry grimaced, he didn't want to see her morph into a bad version of a Stephen King novel, so he had come prepared. Never had anyone produced chocolate as fast as he did when a 'stomach ache' paid a visit.

She pulled out her new book, A Comprehensive Guide to The Life Cycle of the English Library Book, and sighed while munching on a chocolate frog. So far, trying to read it had been a bit of a task, she kept getting interrupted. The-Book-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named from last night's Weasley prank, was sitting on the bottom of her trunk.

A/N: I felt I needed to add author notes. Trying to get this structured properly when uploaded onto is IMPOSSIBLE. But I've tried as hard as I can.

I'd like to give a HUGE thanks to Amanda – my friend and beta who beta'd this for me when I was about to give up.

I would like to thank Kendiara who is beta-ing this for me, I adore her! (she's reading this, I have to be nice! She can be scary!) LOL she picks things up like Hermione being 16 and Fred and George being there so I had to change that... so I'd like to thank her for that.

Big shout-out to Pam who is the best author ever! She always reviews my fics even though she doesn't have to! Thank you so much!

I'd also like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far! You've all given wonderful comments!

I want to thank Maya who doesn't know me, I'm one of those creepy fans. Her work is so influential! This line was inspired by her:

"(Even though he never gave a written exam!)"

Anya (Sp?) who wrote Naked Quidditch Match – I flogged a line from there! "She tried to think of the Rule of Bluff – when the Bluffee raises the bluff of the Bluffer, then the Bluffer should raise the Bluff."

A website call: Things My Girlfriend and I Argue About is arguably one of the funniest and greatest websites ever, run by Mill Millington. This line came from him:

"Who did that thing where you cover your head and prepare to have your kidneys kicked out of place."


	2. You Want The Plot? You Can't Handle The

The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

You want the plot? You can't handle the plot!

Hermione Granger was sitting in Arithmancy when Eloise Midgeon passed her a note. Hermione looked up at the teacher and back at the note. This was the only class she dared to pass notes in, mostly because the teacher didn't care and it was the only chance she got to talk to Eloise.

Why don't you go out with Neville?

-M

Have those facial washes leaked into your brain! This is Neville we're talking about!

-H

Yeah, but anybody's better than nobody...

-M

Neville is not ANYBODY, he's just not my type.

– H

What if you miss out on the chance to marry him?

–M

Imagine what our CHILDREN would look like!

–H

Hehe, pretty ugly ones.

–M

Don't insult my imaginary spawn! And that's an oxymoron, you know.

–H

Your going to need to get a boyfriend eventually! Especially if you keep randomly insulting spawns that haven't even been born yet.

–M

1) I feel NO need to get a boyfriend right now. 2) It's you APOSTROPHE re. As in "You are". 3) Oxymoron: two words that are an opposite. Pretty and ugly are both opposites.

–H

Sorry if my grammar isn't as good as YOURS:P Honestly, who cares?

– M

You attacked my imaginary spawn first.

–H

You're the idiot that imagined his children.

–M

Someone is a bit aggressive today! Are you going to cheer up a bit or do I need to get you some chocolate?

–H

MMMM...Chocolate... But I'll break out with acne again.

–M

You only care about acne because boys don't like it! See, boys are the root of all evil!

–H

Were you dropped on your head as a child... repeatedly?

–M

It was at this point that Hermione stuffed the note in her bag and spent the rest of the class moping.

Hermione was sitting at breakfast with Harry and Ron, eating some toast when Harry passed them a newspaper. He had a morbid expression on his face.

"What is it Harry?" Ron asked.

"Just read it," Harry replied.

Hermione and Ron bent over the newspaper and read to themselves.

Wizard Wireless's most popular talk show host was cursed down yesterday in vicious gang rivalries. Forty-Five year old Molly Medricks hosted the popular show, 'Listening Live' for five years and was voted Wirelesses' most popular show three years in a row, just two weeks' prior to the tragic event...

Hermione stopped reading. "What's your point Harry?" she asked.

"Remember during Summer holidays? With Jay Leno being shot down?" Harry stressed.

"What are you talking about?" Ron questioned as he poked he breakfast despondently and continued writing Susan Bones letters before flying them across the hall to her table. Merlin forbid they actually do anything like…talk, or stand closer than two centimetres.

Hermione dove into her bag, pulling out the clipping or what she felt had been a most distressing article. (At least that's what she told them. Lo and behold the real reason she'd kept the article was because of a picture of David Bowie looking surprisingly like Draco Malfoy was on the back. Coincidence? Hermione didn't think so. Luckily the boys didn't notice.)

FUNNY MAN MEETS NOT-SO-FUNNY END

One of Television's most popular comedians, Jay Leno was shot down today in what was believed to be the result of vicious gang rivalries. One anonymous bystander reportedly told police, "He just told one too many bad jokes. It was time for him to go." The bystander is being held for questioning. James Douglas Muir Leno was born in 1950. He has been repeatedly rewarded for his comedic gifts and was rated one of America's most watched Comedians. He left his mark in England when...

"James Douglas Muir Leno..." Ron whistled, "and I thought Ronald was a lousy name to be stuck with. No wonder he shortened it to Jay."

Hermione looked at Harry. "Do you think they could be related?" she asked.

"I don't know, I just don't know..." Harry replied dramatically like something out of a b-grade action film. "Anything's possible."

"They're probably not... I mean one died in a gang curse-out and the other died in a gang shoot-out! Completely unrelated!" Ron interrupted.

"Ron's got a point..." Hermione insisted sarcastically.

"Whatever it is, it's got Voldemort written all over it," Harry commented darkly.

The table went quiet, with Gryffindor faces sombre and pensive. The Dark Lord interfering and doing annoying things like Massacring people was common and a sombre thing requiring pensive faces. At least they felt so.

Ginny Weasley, who was sitting beside Harry spoke up, "Look, Molly isn't exactly on the side of good here, and from what I know about Jay Leno... he isn't going to be sainted...But Harry, Evil connections to their deaths just doesn't really make sense. Why would-"

"Shhhh, Ginny," Ron interrupted. "You're too young to understand these things. Just keep playing with your dolly, that's a good girl." Ron said affectionately as Ginny almost snapped him in half.

Hermione was outside on a blanket, because conveniently enough, it was autumn and quite a beautiful day outside.

She was doing some lightweight Temporal physics (Surprise! Bet you never saw that one coming!) when Harry joined her. He looked somewhat upset and seemed to have something to say. Only, being his usual self, and having the slight impediment of being male, meant that she would have to drag it out of him. That was one of the reasons she didn't need a boyfriend. It would just be too much work and effort away from her books!

"Harry what's wrong?" she asked, bracing herself. As usual she'd ask 'what's wrong?' and he'd reply 'nothing'. Then she'd ask 'what's wrong?' and he'd reply 'I don't know…or something evil' or something equally vague along those lines. Then he'd send her to the library to look up 'something evil' and be disappointed when her results were somewhat inconclusive. That would continue for a year before some evil overlord decided to strike and try to kill him and ultimately fail because despite her vague tasks, her hard work would prevail and Harry would take all the credit and say how charmed he must be. Life would be that much easier if he could just stop being so bloody ridiculous.

"Cho broke up with me!" he wailed.

"Oh..." Hermione replied. (More shocked that it hadn't taken the rest of her life to get it out of him) This wasn't exactly her field. Evil things, she could deal with. Logic, she could deal with. Puzzles, she could deal with. But when it came to relationships, that was something of a mystery. Like Lucius Malfoy and Professor Snape having a parent/teacher conference... at night...in a deserted classroom.

Harry sniffled. "She said I just wasn't tragic enough! Too cheerful all the time..."

"Well, it's a bit soon after Cedric's death... perhaps she just wasn't ready for you," Hermione said sympathetically.

"She's not the only one having 'issues'! Lavender Brown broke up with Dean... Susan with Ron... Parvati with Seamus...girls are evil!" Harry wailed. Though, he seemed to like the idea of girls being evil. He fought evil all the time. Surely if he could thwart one kind of evil, he could thwart (or attract) another.

"Parvati and Seamus were going out?" Hermione asked ignoring Harry's comment. He had just been dumped after all.

"Yeah, two whole days now. Apparently it was a love that could not be contained. According to her it was, 'such a beautiful love that it must be kept forever and perfect in memory alone.'"

"So...in other words, she's moved onto greener turf?" Hermione interrupted.

"Yep. Susan also moved onto greener turf... poor Ron," he added.

"What happened there?" Hermione asked.

"Susan saw Lavender's handwriting and fell in love... it's been all romance and snogging since," Harry said with a strange look on his face.

"Oh... okay..." Hermione didn't quite know what to say about that. "So… Lavender writes better than Ron?" she asked.

"She has a more masculine stroke I think." Harry replied.

"But Ron has the clumsy, heavy backhand going for him!" Hermione quipped.

"I think she was going for a more gentle, twirling approach," Harry informed her.

"Oh, and I forgot, Neville broke up with whoever HE was with," he muttered.

"Who was HE with?" Hermione stuttered.

Harry laughed. "Don't get me wrong, I like Neville... but I have a feeling it was his imagination..." he replied.

"So you're saying he got in a fight with his right-hand?" Hermione asked, eyebrows raised.

"Hermione!" Harry said shocked.

"Well... you guys think I don't listen when you talk about that stuff? Good lord..." Hermione replied. "I'm a smart girl, after all. What's more, I'm a smart girl with ears. I can figure things out. That's what I do. You're the brawn, I'm the brains, and Ron's the trusty sidekick, that's how we work."

"Well, there'll be a lot more of it... we're all bachelors now," Harry replied as he gave Draco Malfoy an evil stare. Draco was wandering about the scenery with a couple of girls, but he too, was focused intently and overtly evilly at Harry as Harry was with him.

"I'll just try to tune out like usual," Hermione said while shrugging.

"Don't be ridiculous, Ron just realized last year that you're a girl. And he just realized this summer that you're a DATEABLE girl. That talk won't be going on around you anymore," Harry replied, his attention returning to Hermione.

"Are you feeling better?" Hermione asked, trying to forget what Harry had just told her.

"Yeah, but that's my flaw! I'm just too damn chipper!" Harry said vengefully.

Hermione sniffed the air, "You boys are so ridiculous!"

"It would be all that more effective to say things like that when you're NOT wearing your fluffy, pink, monster slippers, Hermione," he replied.

The boys all crowded around Harry in the common room.

"Will the second meeting of the month of October for Obsesses Anonymous please come to order?"

Hermione was reading with Crookshanks on her lap while Fred and George sat in the corner, preparing their next big practical joke from the old detention reports. Reports in which the names James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew seemed to appear a lot.

Well, there you go! Plotty goodness all thanks to El Mann! And all those who left comments saying they didn't like H/C – well, I fixed that for you too (ok, it was always part of the plan... but you get cookies for commenting on it anyway)

As for Hermione and Eloise – well, I can back up that section! Remember in the GoF when Ron is like, "We'd better hurry or we'll get stuck with Eloise Midgeon." – or something to that effect? (It's in the part where they're looking for dates to the Yule Ball) Well, Hermione replies with, "And what's wrong with Eloise? She's really nice and her acne has cleared up a lot since second year!"

SO that got me thinking that Hermione MUST talk to Eloise at some time. Arithmancy seems the right place for that to happen. Besides, Hermione must have SOMEONE to talk with in those classes. This also dispels the myth that Hufflepuffs are STUPID! They are not! (Unless I've made a mistake and Eloise is in Ravenclaw...)

I'd like to thank the following people who have joined me in the second chapter


	3. Beware of the FluffyHaired Girl!

The Contest is still on!

Huge thanks to my beta, Kendiara. To Amanda, who is a pillar of support. To Pranita who is my sister. To Pam who is possibly the most supportive person on Earth. I know this chapter is longer than usual, but if I'm going to mess with your minds, then it's going to take more than four pages each chapter.

The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

Beware of the Fluffy-Haired Girl!

Hermione was quietly creeping down the stairs. Evil was afoot! Crookshanks was bestowing disparaging stares on her. It was a habit of his that she greatly despised, mostly because he was usually right.

Her mission was to listen in on the weekly meetings the boys held in the common room. They held these meetings with the greatest secrecy, and discretion was the name of the game. Which is exactly why they held it in the middle of a noisy, busy common room. Hermione sat hidden behind a big cushy chair, waiting for them to finish their meeting when, her ears picked up on something.

"I just don't...understand why she dumped me!" Wailed Neville.

"Yes, there's been a lot of that talk tonight. I realize that all of us were dumped, and it was very tragic. So, admit it... have any of you already started lusting over another girl?" Harry asked.

There were gentle murmurs of ascent among the boys.

"Were any of you obsessing WHILE still with your significant others?" Harry pried.

There were more less gentle murmurs of ascent amongst the boys.

"Has anybody tried to do anything about it?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Well," Seamus replied, "if we were the kind of obsesses who did anything about our neurosis, we wouldn't be here, would we? We'd be sitting in the Slytherin common room attending a monthly 'Harassers Anonymous' meeting, wouldn't we?"

The boys agreed heartily with this.

"More like Bestiality Anonymous…" Ron replied.

There was laughter all around.

A single hand went into the air.

"Yeah, I'd like to raise the Hermione issue," Neville replied.

"Again, Neville?" Harry asked despondantly.

"Well... there's a lot to add on this issue," Neville replied, as the boys groaned.

"I'll second a motion to give it a rest!" Ron replied.

"Hear him! Hear him!" the others chanted.

They hushed at the odd stares of the other students.

"Let Neville be pathetic Ron, you've had your turn for tonight," Harry quipped.

Neville started, "Well, I love the way her hair sparkles when she walks, and her cherry lips sparkle when she speaks, and the way her eyes sparkle in the light, the way her cheeks sparkle when she's lost control and yelling, the way her mouth foam sparkles when it..."

"Neville, be honest," Ron interrupted, "you think she's got big titties."

"I was getting to that..." Neville replied in a hurt tone.

"...Ron, don't interrupt people..." Harry replied. "It's not APPROPRIATE. Besides, you're just being a jerk."

"Well, she's pretty... with big-"

"Ron!" Harry said in a warning voice.

"Right, but she talks too much... it kind of ruins it for me," Ron replied. "I don't understand what Neville is on about."

"Fair enough... I think we all have that problem," Harry replied. "Anyone else want to add anything?"

"Yeah, I'd like to mention that her butt is like-"

"Lee!" Harry interrupted.

"Harry! Don't tell me you didn't see those changing room shots Collin got! That women has one, mighty-fine butt!" Dean spluttered.

They heard a fit of coughing far off.

"Perhaps I did... but we are trying to cure our obsessions here, not promote them..." Harry replied.

"Well, I think Dean's right, but there are a few dimples there on her... but I can see past that," Ron mused.

"Yeah, she'd look better if she lost a pound," Seamus agreed.

"Perhaps bigger..." a look from Harry made Ron change his mind, "...feet... wink wink"

"Ha! And if she didn't open her mouth, I swear, every time she does, it's to nag me about end of year exams!" Seamus said.

"Or S.P.E.W!" Dean agreed.

"Ok, well, I think we'll recommence the meeting next week." Harry sighed. "Meeting adjourned. Oh, and where are the Weasley twins tonight? They were supposed to discuss Quidditch changing room dilemmas!"

"They went to the kitchen," Lee replied.

"Never mind then. They'll just have to share next week. And boys, remember – dropping the soap may seem like a laugh, but it's a serious problem in some places!" Harry finished.

The boys separated and went their ways, Ron and Harry sitting down for a game of chess. Hermione was fuming.

She spent the night considering her revenge. There was the popular water torture. But after the whole fiasco with the Basilisk, Harry had a phobia of pipes, and that would be a little too cruel. Then there was the option of chaining them up to a tree. While Harry and Ron in handcuffs were not altogether an undesirable prospect, suspicions would be raised if they were missing for a few days. There was the usual blackmail, but aside from the dubious boxers, neither Harry nor Ron (as far as she knew) did anything worth blackmailing. Finally, she came up with a viable plan, and by morning she was ready to exact it.

"Morning, Ron," Hermione said.

"Morning, Hermione," Ron replied, not looking up from his paper.

"Would you like a glass of orange juice?" she asked.

"Yeah sure, thanks!"

"Ron, do you think I talk to much?"

"Nah!"

"I don't babble on about S.P.E.W, do I?" she asked again.

"I haven't noticed anything..."

"Am I really annoying like that?"

"No, not at all, Hermione! You're fine exactly the way you are! Wow, is my skin tanned?"

Five minutes later he was in the hospital wing. His skin had been turned bright orange. It made Draco Malfoy's day.

She bounced up to Harry after breakfast that morning. She hadn't really wanted to punish Harry, but then she saw the perfect opportunity anyway. He was on the Quidditch pitch with his ex-girlfriend Cho Chang, they were talking and it seemed they might also be flirting. They were examining his broomstick together, when...

"Hey, Harry! Hey, Cho!" Hermione said.

"Morning, Hermione," Harry and Cho replied.

"Can I see your broomstick?" she asked. Without waiting for an answer she grabbed it off the bench. "It's so hard, and stiff. Ever grabbed his stick before, Cho?" Hermione said suggestively.

"Uh..." she replied.

"Sure you have - It feels good to run your hands over, doesn't it?... can I polish your broom for you one day, Harry?" she asked mischievously.

Harry choked slightly, "Uh..."

"Do you polish it often? I should imagine everyday – since it's so shiny."

"No, I generally wait a week before I... polish... it."

"Have you ridden his broom before Cho?" Hermione asked.

"I don't believe so..." Cho replied hesitantly.

"Oh, neither have I, though, I'd love to ride it one day," she said.

"Perhaps I'll talk to you later, Harry," Cho said. "Bye, Hermione."

"Oh well, must be off, have a good day, Harry," Hermione exclaimed.

Once she was out of earshot she gave an evil cackle at Harry's expression. She had been quite good to him, Ron, Neville and the other boys would get it really bad.

"But, Hermione, I don't understand... why do I need to wake Snape up?" Neville asked.

"The Rembliplical Potion that we left simmering after last class has gotten out of control! He needs to get there quick!"

"Alright! I'm off! You can count on me, Hermione!"

Hermione sat in the corridor near the Professors room, savouring the moment.

"Longbottom, you fool! We weren't doing Rembliplical potions last class! Detention, Longbottom! Now get out of my room, for Merlin's sake!"

"Sorry, Professor! Sorry, Mr. Mafoy - I didn't know you BOTH slept in the nude... shudder ... and that it was a hot night... but, Hermione, she..."

"I don't care what that silly little witch said! Fifty points from Gryffindor and another detention! Now, get out!" Professor Snape screeched. "And stop looking at me!"

"Wow, Hermione, thanks for making those adjustments to my soccer posters. I didn't know you could... Hermione, why are there women on my posters?"

"Whatever do you mean, Dean?"

"The... the players have all been transfigured into... wait, are they cross-dressers?"

"Oh dear, I'm afraid that can sometimes happen with the potion, it's only partially permanent."

"Well, wait, how do you change it back?"

"I don't think you can, Dean."

"But... you stuck them to the walls, if the guys see this..."

"Oh, I'll get them down for you later! Gotta run!"

"No! Wait, Hermione! Come back! Please! They won't come off the walls!"

"Crookshanks, I think you're the only real man around here, sometimes," Hermione said as she sighed dramatically. She was sitting on her bed.

Crookshanks purred, he obviously agreed with her.

"Hermione! I've been looking for you! Mind if I come in?" Ron said as he sat down, his skin colour had returned to normal.

"Hello, Ron, feeling better I presume?" Hermione asked innocently.

"Well, I am, but I represent complaints from... well, most of the fifth and sixth year Gryffindor boys...Coincidently, Malfoy said you're his new favourite person, and that he'd kiss you if you weren't a disgusting Mudblood."

"Well, he never did play nice with the other children. Honestly, what have you got to complain about?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, I don't know... Lee Jordan can't speak, and he's supposed to be commentating the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match tomorrow."

"How terrible!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh, and Neville has to serve two detentions and he can't look at Snape without blushing..."

"Really? Why not?" Hermione asked.

"Dean's Soccer posters now feature cross-dressers, Seamus has the words, 'Come ride my broom, ladies (and gentlemen)' printed on all of his robes... does any of this ring a bell?" Ron asked.

"It sounds like the boys have had a horrible day!" Hermione replied.

"Coincidently, my skin turns orange, and Harry told me how you embarrassed him in front of Cho this morning," Ron continued.

"Oh, now that's not true, I was just asking about his broom!" Hermione stated.

"Hermione! You can't go pulling pranks like that on us!" Ron yelled.

"And why not? After all, you did see those changing room shots of me, didn't you," Hermione replied.

"I... uh..."

"You boys deserve exactly what you get for talking like that!" Hermione shrieked. "In fact, I went easy on you!"

"Hermione! That was a private conversation! At this rate you'll never get a boyfriend!"

"Great! I don't want one! Definitely not any of the immature little boys around here! What I would like is some respect – at least from you!"

"I – Well... But... Oh, for Merlin's sake, I'm sorry, Hermione! But Jeez, do you have to get your revenge like that?" Ron asked.

"Well, I had to feel you were all as humiliated as I felt," Hermione replied.

"Hermione, for once in your life, can you admit you handled it wrong?" Ron asked angrily.

"No, but I will promise that I'll consult you before I exact my revenge next time," Hermione compromised.

"Well, a heads-up would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so very much, Hermione," Ron spat sarcastically.

"It's what you deserve. Friends don't do that, and being male is no excuse!" Hermione yelled.

"Well, you shouldn't have been listening in on our conversations!"

"Well, you shouldn't be saying things that would hurt me to hear!"

"Just apologise for turning my skin orange!"

"It's what you deserve!"

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"Why do you have to act like such a prat?"

"Oh, I give up, Hermione, you're hopeless!"

"And so are you, Ronald Weasley!" At that moment, Hermione had a strange resemblance to Ron's mother, her face was rather reddish looking

"Do you forgive me?" Ron asked.

"Yes."

"Then I forgive you," he replied.

"But I...

"Hermione..."

"Yeah, Ron?"

"I really do like you, and I... uhm..."

"Ron! Hermione! There you are, can I come in?" Harry said as he entered the room. "Hermione, Malfoy wants to know how you did the perfect stitching on Seamus' robes. He also wants to thank you for the best day of his life. Look, I know what you're angry about... and I'm sorry!"

"It's alright, Harry, sorry for interrupting you and Cho," Hermione replied.

"Eh, no problem... Neville, Seamus and the others all beg your forgiveness and promise to bask in your eternal reverence."

"Tell them I'm a merciful creature and thus will pardon them. See, Ron, you should have done it like that!"

"Oh, how could I have been so stupid, of course," Ron replied sarcastically.

"Oh, and can you help me with my potions homework?" Harry pleaded.

"Sure, oh, wait... where are my slippers?" Hermione asked.

"I think the boys are holding them hostage in case you refused their apologies..." Ron replied.

"What is it with you and those fluffy, pink, monster slippers anyway?" Harry asked.

"My slippers!" Hermione wailed as she flung herself out of the room.

"Women..." Ron and Harry muttered.

A/N: Yes, a very gushy chapter, I know. Results show people to be overwhelmingly H/Hr supporters. So I threw in a R/Hr moment there to throw you all off guard! The polls are still open. Pink, fluffy, monster slippers made another great cameo appearance. For all of you out their weeping at their loss... it's ok, they'll be back next chapter! I promise!

Thanks to the following beautiful reviewers, I love you all and have baked cookies for you!


	4. Sanity, Where Art Thou?

The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

Sanity, Where Art Thou?

"No, Harry... ugh, how many times do we have to go through this? If you add too much shrivelfig, you die...only Voldemort wants that... ok, maybe Snape, too, and Malfoy!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Hermione, you are not helping!" Harry replied bitterly.

Harry and Hermione had been studying Potions together for two weeks. Hermione, mainly forced by the compassion of her lovely heart (and McGonagall), had cleaned up the mess she had bestowed upon the boys. Except for Neville; only therapy could fix that. Harry and the boys had found a much more secure location to hold their meetings. At least for now, as if they could keep it a secret from Hermione for long.

"Hermione... I don't think I'm EVER going to learn this," Harry said in exasperation.

"Yeah, I don't think so either..."

"What?"

"I said, 'Look, I think it's a beaver!'" Hermione replied quickly.

"Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT you said," Harry said grumpily. "Is Ron still trying to ask you out?"

"Yeah, but so far I've gotten out of it alright..." Hermione sighed, remembering their last few encounters.

"I'm sure he'll get over it," Harry replied, turning back to his work.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Hermione replied sarcastically.

"Hermione! I'm so glad we found you!" Lavender squealed as she and Parvati bounced out of nowhere.

"You'll never guess what happened, Hermione!" Parvati joined in.

"What? Has Voldemort been defeated? Draco announced he's in a serious relationship with Harry? Filch married Snape? What?" Hermione asked sarcastically bouncing in mockery of the two girls. Lavender and Parvati wouldn't realize they were insulted for another three weeks.

Harry's face went a strange puce colour. "Please, Hermione, I just ate..." he interjected.

"No! This is way more serious than any of that! A body-piercing shop has opened up in Hogsmeade and there's a Hogsmeade visit this Saturday!" Lavender said, jumping up and down.

"So...?" Hermione asked.

"But the thought of Draco AND Harry together is delish!" Parvati exclaimed.

"While the thought of Filch and Snape is extremely demented. Honestly, people underestimate you, Hermione!" Lavender interrupted.

"Anyway, Lavender and I are going, but there's a discount if three people get it done together. We were wondering if YOU wanted to do it, too!" Parvati replied.

"Yeah, Hermione, go get a piercing..." Harry said, rolling his eyes. It seemed to Harry to be a great idea, if only McGonagall would take the magic brownies and join the Ice Weasels in an escapade to the new world of California.

Hermione, coughed, spluttered, choked, fainted and was finally revived. "I can't get earrings!" she yelled. "Besides, why don't you take your girlfriend with you? Susan looks like she might be INSANE enough!"

"Oh you silly thing!" Lavender cackled. "Susan's just not that sort of girl!"

Besides, we can't get earings! McGonagall would have them out right away!" Pavarti clucked.

"We're talking about belly-buttons here! We've already booked you in! Don't worry, this is Wizarding piercing! It doesn't hurt a bit! Why are you being such a fuss-pot about this?" Lavender asked.

"Honestly, if you're that scared than I guess we could find someone else..." Parvati replied. A look seemed to be passing between the two girls - as if this had been preplanned.

"I'm not scare-"

"Don't worry, Herm-y... I'm sure people will understand..." Pavarti interrupted soothingly.

"Don't call me Herm-"

"After all, no one expects you'd do anything like get a piercing!" Lavender said.

"And why wouldn't they?"

"Oh... well, you're just so GOOD we shouldn't have even thought of it, but we assumed we knew you better..." Parvati answered.

"I can get a piercing if I want!"

"Great! We'll go on Saturday, then," Lavender said.

Lavender and Parvati bounced away before Hermione could say anything else.

"Looks like you're up for an adventure," Harry said as he gathered his books.

"Help me, Harry!" Hermione squeaked.

"Polish my broomstick sometime and I'll think about it," Harry replied with a chuckle as he walked away.

Hermione was astonished, to say the least.

Ginny, who had just entered, chased after Harry calling, "I'll polish your broomstick for you!"

Hermione was on her way to a Prefect meeting when Fred and George bounced up to her.

"Hey, Hermione, how are you?" Fred asked.

"Fine and dandy," she replied grumpily.

"Well, we heard you were getting a piercing and we're here to check up on you," George replied.

"Ugh, I can't BELIEVE I was talked into that!" Hermione said, frustrated.

"Well, if you REALLY want to get out of it, I'm sure we could arrange it..." Fred said innocently.

Hermione turned and gave them both VERY scrutinizing stares.

"Well, you see, Hermione," Fred said throatily, "we need help with a potion... for a joke. We were inspired by you and by all your pranks, and we really need your brain in on this!"

Hermione thought about it for a second. "What do I get out of it?" she asked.

"We'll get Lavender and Parvati off your back," Fred said.

"I'm not that desperate – I can tell them to go away on my own, thank you very much!" Hermione replied.

"Uhm, we could get Ron off your back, too," they offered.

Hermione thought for a second. "And if you get caught?"

"All we need from you is to tell us how to mix these two potions together without making them explode! You won't be implicated at all!" George promised.

"What if I don't do this?" Hermione asked.

"Parvati and Lavender are going to drag you into the piercing shop, and I think Ron's in love – little freak that he is," Fred said.

"And the slippers get it!" George added. "We have them locked up!"

"No! They've been through enough already!" Hermione choked miserably.

"Then just do this simple little potion theology for us," George replied.

"Alright, boys, but I'm out of your firing range. Hit me with this prank and you're dead!" Hermione warned.

"Right, we gotcha! You're immune from it, we promise!" Fred replied happily.

It seemed a lot of shifty deals were happening lately...

Hermione was very suspicious. Why would Lavender and Pavarti even bother trying to get her a piercing? That was extremely unusual. Somebody was planning something…

Hermione just wanted to be on the good side of it.

The low point - if Hermione could have tolerated things getting worse, came after the Prefect meeting. Maybe meeting up with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be worse, but only if he was in a tea dress cooking crumpets. Maybe Hermione was exaggerating.

Hermione turned the corner of a passage in the dungeons. She had dismissed the other Prefects ages ago and had just spent an hour helping Professor McGonagall arrange for the party that would be given for the fifth, sixth and seventh year students. She was walking quietly when she found Draco Malfoy standing with a very guilty look on his face. Usually, if Malfoy had a guilty look on his face, Hermione immediately assumed evil was afoot. However, one of the paintings was in front of him, cracked and torn beyond recognition. She felt obliged to at least inspect the situation before knocking him unconscious and dragging his Death Eater butt to the nearest Guillotine...

"I didn't do it," he said quickly, with a glance at the ruined painting.

"What didn't you do? Maybe some work, or ANY of your Prefect duties for that matter?" Hermione asked sceptically, referring Malfoy's laziness as a Prefect.

"Probably..." he admitted.

"And evil? Are you saying you didn't do any of that either?" Hermione asked, referring to Malfoy's tendency to be a sadistic prat.

"Less probably," he replied.

"Do you know who did it?" Hermione asked.

"Uhm... no."

"'No' as in don't know or 'no' as in you won't tell me?"

"A little from column A, a little from column B," Malfoy replied.

"That's it! Where's a Guillotine?" she shrieked

"I was kidding! I have no idea! Stupid Mud- Muggle-born," Malfoy corrected himself. This was somewhat... ok, VERY out of character for Malfoy.

"So what happened, then?"

"Well, I was coming out of that closet and-" Malfoy was saying. Hermione assumed the 'closet' was not only literal but also somewhat figurative.

"What were you doing in a closet?"

"Nothing that I have to explain to you!" he said as he looked particularly defensive.

"The whole school already knows..."

"Knows what, exactly?"

"That you're... with Zabini..."

"Oh... Who told?" He seemed very nervous.

"Pansy-"

"I'm not a pansy, you stupid witch!"

"I meant Pansy, as in the person. Anyway, I don't blame you. I thought he was cute 'til I found out he was-"

"Shagging me?" Malfoy asked.

"Gay."

"Oh... Hey, Granger, something's been bothering me about Potter-"

"I don't know." Hermione was getting creeped out by the conversation.

"Right, well, I'll stay here, and you go get a teacher...if you think you can handle it without incriminating me, cough Mudblood cough."

"No, I'll stay here. You destroy the evidence, then get a teacher."

"What are you saying? You're a Prefect! What happened to responsibility? Muggle-borns, you're all the same! The teachers should know about this! They'll realize the picture is missing. I'm not going to break school rules! I'm too beautiful to be expelled! Please don't let them expel me!" he cried

"I mean of you... and Zabini. You have hickeys, and I'm only talking about the visible ones. Merlin knows where else they are. And really, Draco, 'too beautiful?'" Hermione asked.

"Oh... Riiight! Be back soon. Oh, and coincidently, I was doing myself an injustice with the word 'beautiful' - I'm gorgeous!"

"Whatever, Malfoy," Hermione said, resisting the urge to call him 'fairy-boy' to his face.

"Just ask Blaise..."

"Go!"

"Hey, Harry! Hermione! Ron! Did you hear? Obtivision is coming to Hogsmeade!" Neville said happily.

"What's Obtivision?" Harry asked. Seamus threw a newspaper at his head, and turned to the page with the day's news.

_The Wizarding world is welcoming a brilliant new invention to England. Obtivision (OV) was invented six months ago and is being release, this week in Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. Some witches and wizards are comparing it to a Muggle invention called 'television' working on the floo principles. The pictures are flooed to the owners OV via the Floo Network. This contraption can be placed anywhere in the wall through the use of a simple Wall Meld spell. Currently there are two channels, and one can chose either by telling the OV which channel is wanted. More channels are currently being planned..._

"You don't know?" Ron asked excitedly. "It's this great new invention! You can see pictures and stories acted out in front of you! It's really cool!"

"Oh, like a TV?" Harry asked, skimming the clipping.

"What's a TV?" Neville asked.

"It's a box that shows pictures," Harry replied.

"Well, they don't need those; there's OV now," Ron chipped in.

"Yeah, but they don't have magic," Hermione interrupted.

"Oh, does it run on eleccticy?" Ron asked.

"Very good, Ron!" Hermione replied, patting his head.

"Like compluters?" Ron continued.

"Yes, Ron," Harry replied.

"How do compluters work? What do they do?" Ron asked.

"Most of the time, they don't," Hermione said under her breath so as not to upset the computer gods. They are very vengeful creatures.

"Oh, yeah, wizards play pranks where they break people's computers by sending computer sicknesses and such," Seamus said.

"Compluters can get sick?"

"Shut up, Ron," Harry said. "Wow, these look really cool," he continued. "I wish we could get one."

"But we can! They have discounts for students and they've been mass produced in Romania, so they're really cheap!" Seamus butted in.

"I might buy one," Hermione mused.

The boys agreed to pitch in money to buy one for the fifth year boys' dorm, and Hermione and the girls put their money together that night, all agreeing to buy theirs when they went to Hogsmeade that weekend.

An owl then flew in, delivering a note to Hermione, from her fluffy, pink, monster slippers, telling her that Fred and George Weasley were treating them properly.

Well, another chapter, I hope you liked it! Fluffy, pink, monster slippers just don't get a break, do they? First the boys, now Fred and George.

Huge thanks to the following reviewers, you are ALL appreciated!

Sorry to all those D/Hr supporters! I am one of you! I know I just blew it out the window by making him gay, but believe me, it's all for the best.

Thanks to all that mentioned my b-day! Cookies to you!

Obtivision is my own invention.

"A little from column A, a little from column B." Is from the Simpsons, as are the ice weasels (that I flogged from Valarchic, a very talented beta of mine).


	5. Hi! Nice to meet you, my name's Doug

The Life of Hermione Granger (Without a Boyfriend)

Nice to Meet You, My Name's Doug

Christmas was a week away, and the party for the higher grades would come soon after that. It was a Hogsmeade trip that weekend and Hermione was in high spirits. Parvati and Lavender had approached, apologizing and saying they had had no idea. Exactly what they had no idea of was a mystery to Hermione, but it didn't matter, she was free of them. True to their bargain, Fred and George had also taken care of Ron.

Ron had not said anything, merely gave her weird looks and acted like he had never been infatuated with her. Everything was almost back to normal, and the clincher was that she had gone to bed last night and found her fluffy pink monster slippers waiting for her.

Hermione had just come back from shopping in Hogsmeade with the boys. She'd left them to go buy presents while she got theirs.

She hadn't been really sure what to buy Harry. Really, there were a lot of those 'how to defeat evil overlord' books around, but Harry seemed to be quite good at that already. And as for Ron, well, the obvious choice would be something that had Chuddley Cannons on it, but he had everything. The store clerk actually asked her what kind of loser owns every piece of Chuddley Cannons merchandise there is.

So, she had bought Ron a cactus, named Doug. She figured small things amused small minds. Not that Ron's mind was too small... only, he didn't appreciate apologizing to her like Harry did. For Harry, she had found a book entitled 'The Top 101 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord' by Peter Anspach. Voldemort would probably read this book too, so Hermione wanted Harry to be on top or things.

She had been Owling Eloise over the holidays. She liked Eloise, but the girl had some major issues to deal with. Her obsession with boys being one, and her obsession with using one piece of goddamn paper for correspondence being another.

Hey Hermione! How are you? I've barely had time to right – been shagging like a bunny on steroids. I took my boyfriend shopping and made him buy me something really expensive. I hope they boys haven't bought you feminine products or anything. Especially after last year's presents... My parents say hi and they hope you're going well. They asked if there was any special man in your life. Of course, I told them that you were a lesbian. (Really darling, how else am I going to explain it to them? I'll tell them it was all a horrible faze if you ever get yourself a man.) I miss talking to you. I'm having a great Christmas over here. Wish you'd come! Can't wait to see you again!

Love Eloise

Ps. My parents said I can't stay over for the summer. They're worried about your influence on me.

To Eloise,

This is the proper way to address a letter. Just so you know. I'm not going to even comment on your sex life. That's all your own business, honestly. The boys bloody well better buy me something better this year! I don't know what they were thinking – pitching in together buying a leaf-blower! I'm... glad to hear that you can get your boyfriend to buy you expensive things. I hope that's not the ONLY reason why you're in this relationship though, you acne prone fool.

Lesbian? You told them I was a lesbian? Why couldn't you just tell them I'm not interested? I'm sure they'd understand. Wait, these are your parents. Never mind. I can't even TRY and convince you that there ARE people who don't get married and shag a lot. Let alone ask you to convince anyone else of it. Never mind. Everything is great here. Doug is looking great. He's a cactus I bought for Ron... Don't bother replying telling me I need a man. I miss you heaps.

-Sincerely Hermione.

See! She told no one in particular. Eloise was obviously unbalanced, and Hermione didn't need a boyfriend at all.

She wandered down to the common room in a bad mood. Harry and Ron were sitting around chatting with Seamus Finnigan.

As soon as she reached the bottom of the stairs, Seamus approached.

"Uh, Hermione, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked.

Ok, Hermione absolutely loved Irish accents, so she'd probably begged him to have a million of his babies if she a) wasn't on another of her 'boys suck' tangents, b) felt that Seamus was a good guy to procreate with - he was a little too attached to his mother for his own good, and c) felt the economy was stable enough to support a child for a fifteen year old mother. That's Hermione for you. And everyone thought she was such a prune. She let out a hysterical laugh - she'd prove them all wrong one day.

'Hermione? Are you ok?" Seamus asked, perhaps a little thrown off by the hysterical laugh. It was the first time her evil laugh was ever very convincing and all wasted on someone like Seamus. Is there no justice?

'Oh, sorry Seamus, what do you want?" Hermione asked.

"Here," Seamus said, giving her a card.

Hermione opened it and read the inside:

Dear Hermione,

You're as pretty as the day,

Although usually I would never say.

I think sometimes you're very scary,

And only moderately hairy.

But I think you're just fine.

So please be my Valentine.

I won't ask to see Uranus,

Love, from your friend, Seamus.

"Seamus," Hermione said, "Valentines' day is ages away."

"Yeah, I actually wanted to ask you to the Pub thing, but 'Pub thing' didn't rhyme with 'fine'," Seamus replied.

"You want me to go to the Pub thing with you?" Hermione asked, just a tad floored.

How could she let Seamus down gently? After all, having his babies was one thing, going to the Party thing was something else entirely...

"Eh, sorry Seamus, I don't mean to butt in or anything," Harry said. "It's just that, Hermione already said she'd go to the Pub thing with me..."

"Oh, sorry! My mistake," Seamus replied. "I didn't realize you two were... like that."

Seamus bowed off. _What a gentleman_, Hermione thought, _when he talks, that is. May he never shut his mouth._

"Harry, you didn't tell me we were going to the Pub thing together," Hermione said when Seamus was out of earshot.

"Yeah well, I could see you didn't want to go with him," Harry replied, nonplused. Hermione was extremely suspicious. She knew the truth of the world. Male friends were very rarely this good. Something was going on. No matter how many times she was told she was being paranoid – something was going on!

"So why don't you two go together?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, that'd be cool," Harry replied. "Are you up for it?"

How strange, Harry was usually very shy when asking a girl to do...stuff. Hermione would find out what had changed. Oh yes she would. Move over Sherlock, you chubby pimp.

"Yeah sure, I don't really care either way," Hermione replied.

Harry, with his hands in his pockets, walked off with Ron. That is when Hermione saw it. Harry had a hickey.

Oh for the love of Merlin and all that is bookish, Hermione thought to herself. Harry had a girlfriend, but then, why wouldn't he want to go with this mystery woman?

Hermione decided she'd find out who it was, oh yes she would insert evil laugh here. How dare he use her as a cover up? She refused! It was embarrassing!

She'd return to her room, and start thinking right away. However, when she did get up to her room, she was somewhat lost in thought.

So she turned to the only creature around that could comfort her. No, it wasn't Crookshanks, that tubby cat was the love of her life but he was so critical. And he never thought her psychopathic schemes were good. So no, it wasn't Crookshanks, but Doug that she turned to for comfort.

"Doug, huh? That's a funny name. Not that Hermione isn't or anything, yours is just kind of... interesting," she said pensively. "My name is Greek actually. You see, there was this woman, Helen, married to Menelaos. He was a red haired king, by the way. Anyway, she ran off with Prince Paris of Troy and it started a whole war. After about ten years it was stopped by Odysseus and Helen went back to Menelaos. She already had a daughter named Hermione, who married Meneloas's son. It's all very involved. I'll read you the Odyssey. It's incredibly exciting you know, written completely in Greek Prose that are thousands of years old."

Hermione looked at Doug fondly. Doug sat there, absorbing sunlight.

"You aren't such bad company you know," Hermione said.

Absorb Absorb Absorb Doug replied.

"I still need to find out what happened to that portrait, on top of that I have to find out who Harry is snogging. It couldn't be Eloise - she's got more man that she can handle already," Hermione mused. "He could be snogging Snape! Or Ron! Or get this Doug... Malfoy!" Hermione said, laughing herself into hysterics.

Nerdy people always think they're a real riot.

"Oh Doug, I'm going to have a lot of trouble giving you to Ron..." Hermione continued. "Oh bugger, I have to go and talk to McGonagall now! Bye Doug!"

Hermione raced all the way to McGonagall's room.

"Sorry I'm late Professor," Hermione said.

"Miss Granger, good to see you have repossessed your fluffy pink monster slippers," Professor McGonagall replied.

"Sorry, Professor, I forgot we had a meeting," Hermione replied.

"I would like to discuss with you what happened to the painting in the corridor. As a prefect you should be thoroughly warned of such things. I suppose it is a rarity to happen but I do not wish other students to be alarmed..."

However before she could finish explaining, and shadowy figure grew out of the darkness and raised a hand. Hermione pulled out her wand to try and hex it however...

Hermione dies the story is over blah blah blah. I'm just kidding. Wait until next chapter kiddies.

Despite popular opinion, I'm a forty-year-old man named Wilbur living in a tiny shed in South America. I've written romance novels under the nickname Bleaden Hart. My only companion in my pet rock. This is a small world for me.

Incase you aren't onto me yet, I'm lying. I'm terrible for that. But anyway, I was trying to make a point. Actually... no I wasn't. Oh yeah, I remember now. I don't mind criticism. Make it constructive. Tell me what's wrong with the story if you don't like it. I have had people who have done this really well and I love them and want to have their babies. I've had other people who have just said they don't like it. Fat lot of good that'll do. So please give reasons. If you think the whole thing is just a piece of POS feel free to mention that.


	6. When All Else Fails

When All Else Fails

A/N: I am profoundly apologetic that this chapter has taken almost a year to come. My reason, you ask? I can not find someone to beta for me would be part of it. As it is, this chapter IS unbeta'd and so is the result of lack of a process. It's definitely not my best work. Unfortunately my pet rock hasn't been as imaginative as I would have liked it to be and so I have suffered severe and crippling writers' block, from which I am still trying to recover from. If ANYONE, and I mean PLEASE! ANYONE would be willing to beta for me I would be so extremely pleased!

Pam, darling, I hope you're churning your next chapter out too!

"Ms. Granger..."

"Don't worry Professor McGonagall, I think I got him!" Hermione replied.

"Ms. Granger."

"Take that! And that! And that!"

"Ms. Granger!"

"There, he won't be hurting anyone for awhile now... Professor... what's wrong?"

"That was your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Ms. Granger."

"I knew that..." Hermione answered.

"You already knew that he was a Professor here and that you were viciously attacking him whilst he was unprovoked?"

"I really have no comment on that at this juncture, Professor," Hermione replied.

"Explain yourself Ms. Granger!"

"I was doing credit to the school!" she blabbed, trying to talk herself out of THIS situation.

"Ms. Granger, how exactly were you doing credit to the school by attacking the only man left in England who will take the position of a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher even if it is halfway through the school year?"

"Well, Nearly Headless Nick was doing such a great job, I just thought..."

"Ms. Granger, I asked you here so that Professor Mol Dune could explain to you what happened with the portrait," Professor McGonagal interrupted.

"Oh, well, I'm sure he'll be just fine, won't you Professor. I'm just a student after all. Can't be that bad..." Hermione stuttered.

Professor Mol Dune gave an inaudible moan of pain before falling unconscious.

"Ms. Granger, I just wanted to inform you that the painting was of Matilda Brakensaw. Her daughter was a student here, I believe the student now haunts the second story girls' bathroom," Professor McGonagal said, beginning to walk down the hall with Hermione.

"Professor, shouldn't we help Professor Mol Dune? He doesn't look so good," Hermione replied.

Professor McGonagal looked back at the drooling mass of human flesh.

"I'm sure the House Elves will come along soon and deal with it. He's a big boy, he can look after himself," the Professor replied.

Hermione on the other hand, didn't like the way some of the Slytherin's were staring at the Professor.

"So it was Moaning Myrtle's mother? Do you have any suspects?"

"No, she was moaning for months that she would do herself in, it was quite expected. I believe Mr. Malfoy is very shaken up about this. I expect the two of you to keep it to yourselves. I just wished to put the matter to rest in your minds," the Professor explained.

"Or make sure I didn't get a fool-hearty idea in my head that this painting had some link to diabolical evil and convince Harry and Ron to break school rules to get at the heart of a mystery you know beforehand isn't there?" Hermione asked.

"Pretty much," the Professor answered.

"Professor, if you don't mind me asking, I didn't know paintings could do things like that to themselves," Hermione replied.

"That wasn't a question, Ms. Granger," McGonagal replied.

"That wasn't my answer, Professor," Hermione replied.

"Look, do you want me to press the issue of Professor Mol Dune?" the Professor asked.

"So, it's a lovely day today!" Hermione said, changing the topic.

"That will be all, Ms. Granger. Thank you."

Hermione walked away, feeling embarrassed and abashed, hoping desperately she wasn't expelled. Suddenly another dark figure jumped out at her from the gloomy and sinister corridors.

"Ahh! Hermione, it's me Harry!" Harry squeaked.

"Oh, sorry Harry!" Hermione replied.

"That's ok... so can you take your hexes off me now?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed and did the counter spells to remove the leg-locker, tentacle and blindness curses she had thrown upon Harry in three seconds of shock.

"We need you in the second story girl's bathroom, Hermione!" Harry said.

"What for?" Hermione asked.

"Moaning Myrtle is holding two first years hostage in there and she told us not to get a teacher so we went and got you," Harry replied.

Hermione ran with him through the corridors and up the stairs to the second story girls' bathroom.

She could hear girls inside sobbing and Moaning Myrtle wailing over them. Ron and Malfoy were both at the scene with a gathering mass of students drawn by the commotion.

"Myrtle?" Hermione called through the door. "Myrtle, what's wrong?"

"Go away!" Myrtle moaned.

Hermione took a breath, opened the door and slipped into the bathroom while Harry, Ron and Malfoy stood outside, nervous and curious.

Hermione, looking shocked, appalled and disgusted emerged again after a couple of minutes to face the boys with a look of horror so profound on her face that there was no guess the boys could make as to what was wrong.

Harry and Ron stepped closer, looking concerned.

"Malfoy," Hermione said, gathering her strength and courage. "Myrtle will let the girls go on the condition that you... give her your... underwear."

Ron went to the wall, feeling as if he were going to barf, Harry went through a variety of emotions and skin colours, ranging from shock, fear, anxiety, sickness, more shock. With these his skin turned white, then red, then sweaty, then white again before staying that way.

Malfoy made some indistinct mumbling noises that Hermione took for a rejection. The crowd of ever-growing students leaned closer to hear what he was saying.

"What was that, Malfoy? I can't hear you. Look, you're going to have to do it. Two students are at stake," Hermione said crossly.

"I said, I can't... I'm, err, not actually wearing any underwear, today," Malfoy replied quietly so only she could hear.

"What do you mean you're not wearing any?" she said aloud in shock.

The crowd gasped, some with horror, others with excitement. Blaise Zambini had to be caught as he swooned. Cho Chang clung to Ron in fear.

"I decided to go commando today!" Malfoy said loudly, flushing a bit at the cheeks, before growling at a couple of third years that looked mortally appalled and sufficiently causing them to squeak and run away.

"Oh," Hermione said, flushing red herself.

Neville was casually walking by at the moment and stopped to ask the matter.

"Neville, you should stay back, Moaning Myrtle has hostages in there," Hermione said.

Neville looked confused, "But, isn't she a ghost, I mean, what's she going to do? Boo them to death?" he asked.

Hermione could feel it around her, realization dawning on everyone. Neville Longbottom...was right. He had thought of something no one else had. Malfoy looked like he was going to adopt Ron's wall policy.

Hermione was muttering, "Stupid first years," before bashing the door open. "You two," she said point at the first years. "Out of here, go!" she said, pointing into the hallway. At that point the students were more scared of Hermione than anything in the room.

Myrtle moaned as Hermione closed the door. People began to filter from the halls as Hermione turned to Harry and Ron.

"Well, that was a bust," Hermione said.

Harry looked at Ron and Cho still clinging to each other. "I think I'm going to be sick now," he said.

"Wait, Hermione," Cho Chang began, "You engaged in a hostage situation wearing Fluffy Pink Monster Slippers?"

Hermione didn't bother answering, it had been a long day, and Doug was upstairs waiting for her to return.

You know what I discovered, people actually read my author's notes. I find this utterly astounding and impressive! Anyway, I wanted to leave special notes for a few reviewers. You people are my life source, and if I could I would ship every little reviewer to my shack in South America so you could ALL Pet my rock with me. Short of that I wanted to leave notes of love, adoration, and hopes of baby-making for a few.

Apologies to all those who were forced to think of Snape naked. Except for Vanyaria who probably didn't mind the idea at all.

Ok, here is my responses to as many reviewers as I have time to reply to. I would do more but there (listen to me toot my own horn) are a few. Honestly, I love every single review I get! You have no idea how lovely it is to get them! So I want to give some recognition to those reviewers.

Vanyaria Darkshadow: You have been a most faithful reviewer – I appreciate this a lot, thank you eternally. You are a great, great author, and after reading some of your work (ie. Severus' journal, can we say 'brilliant'? I am most honored to have you review me.)

Ron Weasley 2: Don't worry about your concerns winkwink I would hate for you to stop reading! Thank you for all your wonderful comments.

Breizh Kier: I LOVE the Evil Overlord list and those are two of my favourite quotes. It's ok, you don't have to say anything about my story in a review! That's just silly. Honestly, reviews are cool but they're not the world, I like reading people just talking about stuff. Good news, the story IS eligible for marriage but only if you're Guatemalan. If not, sorry. I would love to be the bridesmaid. Don't be silly I'm not really a 40 year old man that lives alone with a pet rock. I now have a whole SOCIETY of pet rocks now.

Prince of Oddness: I'm very, sincerely sorry I made you think of Snape naked!

Laura: No I don't think Doug and Hermione would work – but I agree, they would make a cute couple. If a guy slaps you again, don't be afraid to slap back – or call me to do it for you.

A bum who refuses to signin: well at least you can admit it. You are truly the blessed creature, few other reviewers have made me blush as you did. Sorry, you must have been waiting awhile. I hope the banana wasn't too off.

StrayCt: Thank you for all of your reviews. Your many, many reviews!

FunkyFries: I have rarely been called unique, thank you! I feel...special. I hope you've checked back to read this chapter.

Confused: You are absolutely one hundred percent right! How smart of you to point it out. I don't really have a mind for dates etc, I'm glad you do!

Blondemomo: Yes, I agree – leather pants ARE naughty. I'm glad I can be inspiration. Sorry that you thought I was dead.

Sticks and Stones that break my bones because I don't drink milk: I had a dream that I was a Swedish goat herder and milked goats... it was strange. I hope you haven't taken me off your authors list! Please don't! It may be late but it can't be THAT late!

Miko-Baca: Don't go insane! I got it done! It's ok. I couldn't write from the institution.

Irish-Phoenix 1: Noah's a great name! But not if the cat doesn't like you. Put a peg on its tail and watch it try to walk and jump on things. It's the funniest thing ever! I swear. What's wrong if Draco DID give Harry that hickey?

Lady Darkness13: You're comments never fail to make me laugh. Thank you very much for that!

Dark Flames: Of course I'd love to beta for you. Send anything that needs betaing to me and let me know that its you.


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